Posted by: PD Warrior | May 19, 2007

Mixed Emotions

Every time someone new finds out about my diagnosis I seem to get the same reaction: “You have Parkinson’s? Really?”

I don’t always know how to react to that. Some people are genuinely shocked, others are genuinely concerned, while still others couldn’t lie their way out of a paper bag!

Perrhaps I am being self conscious, but days like today I think my symptoms are really obvious. I spent most of the day walking around with my left hand jammed into my front pocket, both to keep the tremors under control and sometimes to hide them. 

Who am I kidding – especially to hide them.

Somedays they are an embarassment. I knock into things, I knock things over, I drop things. Most days aren’t that bad, but today was. I think I dropped everything I touched, and what I didn’t drop I either bumped into or spilled. Of course it always happened when a crowd of people were around. Some of them thought it was funny (in an innocent way) some of them tried to ignore the situation, while others offered me their condolences.

They all meant well. None of them were rude, but at the same time they all bothered me. Again, it is not their fault- I am the one having the difficulty emotionally today.

The people that ignored me: I wanted to shake them and say “what? Are you blind?” Yet at the same time, I didn’t want them to see me at all.

The people that offered their condolences: I wnated to shake them too, saying “I don’t need your pity!” Yet pity is exactly what I wanted from them.

All or Nothing?   Some days I want both.

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Responses

  1. i won’t say i totally understand how you feel, because i don’t. but i’ll say i can totally imagine the ambiguous emotional responses to other people’s reaction. i hope tomorrow is a better day 🙂

    Like


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