Posted by: PD Warrior | January 30, 2016

Angry Young Man (The Long And Winding Road Part III)

In my post “The Long And Winding Road,” I talked about the anger that I have had to come to terms with over the past decade as I walked hand in hand down life’s paths with my new BFF – Parkinson’s Disease.

But, truth be known, “angry” doesn’t even begin to describe what I was feeling.

“Hatred,” doesn’t even begin to describe what I was feeling.

Self loathing.

Worthless

Emptiness.

And shakiness…not just from the disease, but from the anger. From the hatred. From the empty  self loathing worthlessness.

With every shuffling, shaking step I took, I found myself asking “why?”

Why me? What did I do to deserve this disease? Was I exposed to something? Did I inherit it from my father, who came down with the disease later in life? And if so, why did I contract it so young? I wasn’t even 40 when this train left the station.

Did I do something so horrible to make God hate me so much? Did I perhaps not do something I should have to make God hate me so much? Or maybe, just maybe, God had abandoned me. Maybe He saw the same worthlessness in me that I saw in myself.

That had to be it!

Or did it?

You see the God I know is no unjustly vindictive. The Jesus Christ that I know is not the embodiment of hate. No, the Savior that I know is just the opposite. The Savior that I know would not cause a disease, he would heal it. The Jesus I know does not see worthlessness in anyone. The Jesus I know shed his last drop of blood for me; gave his dying breath for me.

Those are facts that are just as true as this disease that has so graciously decided to come along for the ride.

So then why? Why me? Why now? why this disease? Those are all questions I asked, cursing God as I did. Those are all questions I asked, denying God as I did. Those are all questions I asked, begging and pleading with God as I did.

Eventually I began to see things differently.

As a nurse, I have been able to connect with my Parkinson’s patients on a more personal level, developing bonds with them that have not only benefited them, but have benefited me in ways I can not begin to explain. I have been able to explain things, using myself as an example. I have understood their angst, and felt their confusion, frustration and fears as their disease progressed.

Soon I realized the question “why me?” was no longer relevant, and has been replaced instead by the more pertinent question “why not?”

And this is only the tip of the ice berg. In God’s time I will give you my whole testimony. Until then, I leave you with this:

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” 2 Cor 1:3-4

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