Posted by: PD Warrior | March 6, 2016

Nothing Left To Do But Laugh…

If I really wanted to get rich quick, all I would have to do is hire someone to follow me around with a video camera for a day, and send the results on to America’s Funniest Home Videos.

Here is an example of a typical morning:

The alarm goes off and my eyes slowly open while my brain tries to figure out what to do next. Oh, I know I need to get out of bed, but the issue is how to achieve such a feat first thing in the morning, before taking my Parkinson’s pills. If I’m lying on my side, or on my stomach, no big deal; a couple pushes with my arms and I will find myself in a sitting position on the side of my bed. If, however, I find myself lying on my back…let’s just say “welcome to the circus, step right up and enjoy the show.”

Getting myself up into a sitting position while lying on my back is a multi step process. A turtle on it’s back could probably right itself easier.

Step 1: Cuss. I’ve tried it a million times without cussing, and trust me, nothing works. The process must begin with a good cuss. And it must be done silently…no need to disturb my wife, and the last thing I want to do is alert the cats or the dog to the fact that I am awake. If the cats learn that I am no longer asleep and not yet moving, they will begin their own “hey, I’m starving and you haven’t fed me in years” routine. Which for two of them means sitting on my head, face, or chest and howling at me because we all know that suffocating me will make me move faster. For the third cat it means “bulldozing me with his head,” which while in theory would probably work – he doesn’t have nearly the amount of strength required to un-beach this whale. And as for the dog, there is something instinctual, hard wired in to her that requires her to jump from the floor, directly onto my stomach, knocking the wind right out of me there very second she even thinks I have begun to stir.

Step 2: Attempt to do a “sit up” the normal way. I know it isn’t going to work, but like the dog, I too have instincts that are hard wired in and can not be ignored, even though I know the attempt will be futile:

Step 3: repeat step 1, this time a little louder and prepare for the onslaught of the animals.

Step 4: The “reverse sit-up.” This, in and of itself, is an acrobatic feat. It’s where I scoot myself over to the side of the bed, and raise one of my legs straight up into the air, kinking my toes skyward as if I was one of the Rockettes practicing a routine while lying on the floor, and then quickly swinging the same leg over the side of the bed, allowing the natural stiffness of my muscles to propel myself into a sitting position. This step is also usually repeated sever times in quick succession to achieve the amount of momentum required to actually achieve the sitting position.

Step 5: Repeat step 1, even louder yet, because now all the animals that were catapulted off the bed during step 4 have decided to kill me and are attempting to do so by running back and forth in front of me and between my legs in an effort to trip me as I make my way slowly to the bathroom.

Step 6: Do the PD shuffle – my favorite dance step – until the morning meds kick in, it is the only way to make it from point A to point B. In my mind I am so happy that I am putting one foot in front of the other that I envision myself looking like John Travolta strutting down the street to the sounds of the Bee Gees, when in reality I probably look more like Fred Flintstone stumbling  down the hallway to the sound of “Uptown Funk.” Oh well, at least the song is cool…

Now to get the pill bottles open without scattering the pills all across the room…[sigh] where is the camera when I need it?

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